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Freeza Burn/Transcript
DISCLAIMER KRILLIN: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. Whew! Alright, how was that? (a buzzing sound is heard) LANIPATOR: That was perfect Krillin. Uh, don't worry about your check. We’ll send it to your next of kin. KRILLIN: What? (cut to Goku getting knocked down to the ground) GOHAN: That last attack drained all of his energy. We gotta help him! KRILLIN: You're right, Gohan. It's time to get in there and throw down! GOHAN: Really, Krillin? KRILLIN: Ha-ha! F**k no! SEQUENCE (Cut to Goku getting knocked by a lake, his head falling into the water. Frieza is seen approaching Goku as the latter gets up and starts coughing and sputtering before Frieza grabs him by the undershirt.) FRIEZA: Now what do you have to say for yourself, monkey? (Goku coughs up water on Frieza's face, who proceeds to kick Goku repeatedly on the ground after a brief pause) GOKU: Oh! Yike! Ugh! Ah! Ow! Sonofa!... (cut to King Kai's planet) YAMCHA: You know what? This is totally bogus. TIEN: I'm going to do my best to ignore that you just used the word "bogus". YAMCHA: King Kai hasn't taught us crap since we got here! And what's worse, Piccolo didn't even have to train with us. He just sat and meditated all the time. TIEN: You're just jealous. YAMCHA: No I'm not-- Okay, a little. RECOOME: (faintly in the distance) Recoome... CHIAOTZU: Hey, do you guys hear that? RECOOME: (now more loudly) DIVE! (Recoome crashes head first into the planet) RECOOME: (muffled) Hello. BOJACK: Yargh! (Burter, Jeice, Guldo all appear above Recoome) BURTER: I've got his left leg! JEICE: I've got his right! GULDO: I've got his middle! (all three of them pull Recoome out of the ground, who shakes his head) RECOOME: Hey, what's up? TIEN: So... are you guys-- GULDO: We're under attack! (telekinetically slams a tree into King Kai's house) BURTER: Whoa, little quick to the trigger there, Ace. GULDO: Sorry, I kinda lost my head there after I... lost my head. (King Kai opens his door and walks up to the Ginyu Force) KING KAI: Hey, I was just inside, taking a crap-- I'm old, takes me awhile-- come out, there's a tree in my living room. What's up? YAMCHA: We were just standing around and talking about your awesome training and then these guys showed up. CHIAOTZU: Look like a bunch of queers. TIEN: Chiaotzu! We don't even know them. We shouldn’t make such rash judgments about-- ("Tokusentai" clip plays and the four deceased Ginyu Force members make a battle pose) TIEN: Well... we shouldn't think less of them for it. JEICE: Good day, mates. How ya going? We're here to take control of your planet in the name of Lord Frieza. Sorry about that. (cracks his knuckles) KING KAI: Heh! Hahah! Ah yeah, good luck with that. Alright guys, show them who's boss. TIEN: That'd be you. YAMCHA: Yep. All you, man. CHIAOTZU: You're the boss. KING KAI: What?! RECOOME: What? Recoome has to fight this? He doesn't even come up to Recoome's knee caps! JEICE: Probably can't even handle a gut full of piss. BURTER: I bet you can't even run a mile. GULDO: You're blue! KING KAI: Yeah, all of you can just go straight to Hell. RECOOME: Oh, yeah? And who's gonna make Recoome? (Cut to the Bloody Pond in Hell with the camera moving to Goz, who is seen picking his nose while singing in German. A hitting sound is heard off-screen and all four deceased Ginyu Force are seen falling into the Bloody Pond.) GOZ: Mez, we have visitors! Prepare ze camps. (cut back to King Kai's planet) KING KAI: Well, that takes care of that! Hmm, that reminds me. Wonder how Goku's doing. (shows Frieza headbutting Goku, sending him tumbling) KING KAI: That's about right. GOKU: (struggles to get back up on his feet) No...! I can't lose! I have to beat you! You're evil, and you have to be stopped! FRIEZA: Oh, come now. If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then let God strike me down where I stand! (lightning strikes Frieza, which doesn't even harm him) Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game! Anyway, back to-- (sees Goku raising both hands in the sky) What are you doing? GOKU: (thinking) I have to use the Spirit Bomb! It's my only chance! FRIEZA: Seriously, what... what is this all about? Are you trying to tell me you once caught a fish that big? GOKU: I'm just... stretchin'. FRIEZA: In the middle of a fight? GOKU: Yes. (thinking) I have only one chance, but this planet barely has enough energy left as it is. Wait, I'll just draw from the surrounding planets! (starts drawing energy from nearby planets for the Spirit Bomb) (cut to Piccolo, Gohan, and Krillin watching the fight from an island) PICCOLO: What's going on? He's just standing there with his hands up. KRILLIN: (thinking to himself) Wait a second... (extremely loudly) HE'S USING'' (off screen)'' THE SPIRIT BOMB! FRIEZA: The Spirit what's-it-now? GOKU: (thinking) Oh, no... PICCOLO: Would you stop screaming? KRILLIN: THE SPIRIT BOMB IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN (off screen) KILL FRIEZA! PICCOLO: (off-screen) Shut up! KRILLIN: (off-screen) Too scared! PICCOLO: (off-screen) Damn it! FRIEZA: What is that fool yammering on about? GOKU: He’s talking about... ghosts. FRIEZA: Ghosts? GOKU: Yeah, you know. Spirits. Ghosts. FRIEZA: What do ghosts have to do with this? GOKU: Everything. FRIEZA: That's stupid. You're stupid! STOP BEING STUPID! GOKU: Or, maybe I'm just being rhetorical. FRIEZA: NO! No, you're not! God, it's like you just try to use words you hear randomly to try and sound smarter! GOKU: Huh. Well now you’re just acting transcendent. FRIEZA: Hrgh! (angrily knees Goku in the face) KRILLIN: Oh, no! If Goku can't focus on the Spirit Bomb he doesn't stand a chance! PICCOLO: I think the issue is less about him focusing and more about staying alive! KRILLIN: I don't get it, though. Where's the baaaa... (notices the Spirit Bomb) holy balls! GOHAN: Wow! Is that... the Spirit Bomb? PICCOLO: It's massive! KRILLIN: (extremely loud) ''Oh, my God, that thing's gigantic! It’s gonna kill Frieza for sure-- '''PICCOLO:' SHUT UP! (punches Krillin) KRILLIN: Aaah! (Frieza punches Goku, knocking him back but continues to hold his hands in the sky) FRIEZA: There you are again, throwing your hands up in the air like you just don't care. Care, damn it! (swats Goku away with his tail, knocking him into the water) PICCOLO: Damn it, this is bad! GOHAN: Dad... (Goku is seen climbing halfway onto shore and gasping for breath) FRIEZA: (lands in front of Goku) I believe I’m done. As entertaining a punching bag you make, I find there is no more enjoyment to be found here. GOKU: Wait, we could always play a game of 20 questions. FRIEZA: Alright then, first question: Are you about to die? GOKU: No. FRIEZA: Ah-ah-ah. (points a finger at Goku, preparing to finish him off) No lying. GOKU: Damn! FRIEZA: Say goodbye, monkey-- (notices a flare in the lake) Ugh. Wh-What... what is that glare? That's not a sun. It's not a moon and it's certainly not a space stati-- What is that? (looks up and notices the Spirit Bomb) What... is... that--? (looks down at Goku) What is that?! GOKU: Are we still playing 20 questions? FRIEZA: You were planning on using that on me, weren't you?! GOKU: Yeah... FRIEZA: I don't know where you got that much power from, but it doesn't really matter now, does it? (Goku leaps from the water and tries to launch a surprise attack at Frieza but Frieza catches his fist) GOKU: Ah, nuts... FRIEZA: Looks like that whole "Super Saiyan" thing didn’t really pan out after all. When you see Vegeta, tell him I said, "Like a bitch." (charges a Death Beam aimed between Goku's eyes) What the--FAAAAHH?! (Piccolo kicks him in the face, sending him far into the lake) GOKU: Piccolo, what are you doing here? PICCOLO: No talk time. Plan, now! GOKU: Well, I still got the Spirit Bomb, but I still need both arms to charge it. (puts both arms in the sky) You'll have to distract him while I gather energy. PICCOLO: Oh, that's not so bad-- GOKU: For five minutes. And considering how bad he was kicking my butt... Ah, I'm sure you can handle it. PICCOLO: Did you just hold a grudge? (Frieza rises back up from the water, visibly furious) FRIEZA: AND I JUST KEEP GETTING REMINDED OF MY FAILURES! PICCOLO: You mean your failure at killing me or just in general? (Freiza growls in anger and proceeds to give Piccolo a massive beatdown) GOKU: (in his thoughts; singing the tune of "Mahna Mahna") ♪Mahna Mahna♪ ♪do-doo be-do-do♪ ♪Mahna Mahna♪ ♪do do-do do♪ ♪Mahna Mahna♪ ♪do-doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do I'ma chargin' my attack♪ PICCOLO: (faintly in the background) No, no, no, no-- (a snapping sound is heard) Oh, God, my glubok! (gets knocked down to the ground next to Goku) 'DARN IT!' FRIEZA: You know, I think I have an insta-fix for this situation: I'm going to blow you and this whole miserable planet to nothing! (begins charging a Death Ball) ISN'T THAT FUN?! (starts laughing manically while rising in the air, holding the Death Ball with his finger) PICCOLO: Gah! Goku, just throw the damn thing! GOKU: Can't. Not done yet. PICCOLO: What?! How?! GOKU: It's only been four minutes and fifty-eight-- (a "ding" sound is heard) Done! (Goku launches the Spirit Bomb at Frieza. Frieza is shown rising in the air while laughing madly until he stops and forgets something...) FRIEZA: What? (looks behind and notices the Spirit Bomb) Oh, somehow I completely forgot about that. SPIRIT BOMB: Om, nom, nom. FRIEZA: (extends both arms out) Oh, my God. (Frieza tries to stop the Spirit Bomb with his hands, groaning while doing so, but is slowly getting pushed back) FRIEZA: (thinking) If I had any single regret for the countless horrific events that have transpired in my wake, it's that I'm dying. (screams as he gets pulled in into the Spirit Bomb) (the Spirit Bomb explodes, with the explosion being so enormous that it can be seen from outside Planet Namek as the camera fades to black) (cut back to Planet Namek where there's an enormous crater and then to Krillin climbing onto a rock) GOHAN: Krillin! You’re okay! KRILLIN: I think I swallowed a trout. (Gohan helps him onto shore) So, Gohan, think he's dead? GOHAN: Krillin, right now I'm more worried about my dad. KRILLIN: Who did you think I was talking about? GOHAN: *gasps* Krillin, look! (shows Piccolo emerging from the water) PICCOLO: (thinking) Alright, come on you heavy bastard. No, no one actually help me, that would be a little too much. (heaves Goku onto shore, who gasps for breath) GOHAN: They're both alive! KRILLIN: Neat. GOKU: Grandpa, I don't want any more baths today. I'm clean now. (Gohan and Krillin land on the island) GOHAN: (starts running up to Goku) Dad! GOKU: (wearily) Hey, Gohan. (Gohan laughs and hugs Goku) KRILLIN: You know, I gotta admit, after what happened with Vegeta, I was pretty sure the Spirit Bomb was gonna be a dud. GOHAN: But we showed him what for! GOKU: Yeah, you could say he suffered a bad case of "Freezer burn". (Everyone starts laughing until Krillin suddenly shrieks and look up in horror at Frieza is seen standing on top of a rock, surviving the Spirit Bomb) FRIEZA: By the way, not dead. 'Kay, thanks, die''.' ''(blasts Piccolo in the chest) PICCOLO: ...F**k you. (collapses on the ground) GOHAN: (walks up to Piccolo and drops to his knees) No... No...! (raises his head to the sky and screams) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (echoes) KRILLIN: Whoa! For a moment there I thought that was gonna be me. FRIEZA: ''(smiles)'' Oh-ho-ho! (frowns and points at Krillin) '''''You're next. KRILLIN: W-W-Wait! What did I do to you? FRIEZA: Remember my tail? KRILLIN: Can't you take a joke? (Frieza gives an ugly stare at Krillin while Krillin gives an innocent, cute smile. Cut to Krillin being shot into the sky.) KRILLIN: ''WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAA--'' (explodes to smithereens as Goku and Gohan watch his remains fall from the sky) (Krillin Owned Count: 28) SEQUENCE STINGER (cut to Mr. Popo at on Earth with the camera zooming in on his face, with dramatic music playing, before eventually stopping) MR. POPO: Called it!